I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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