Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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