I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
