It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
