Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
