Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I think I died a long time ago.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
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We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
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My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
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