Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
