She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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