the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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