Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
