You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
this boner is exhausting
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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