just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
How does it feel to date your dad?
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
