I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
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