Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
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He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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