Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
