Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
