i just wanna soil my oats bro
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
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