Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Is Oprah even human
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
