"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
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