everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
