i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
