our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
