Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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