My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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