why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
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