Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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