I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
