did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
