I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
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