yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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