mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
