Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
