I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
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