So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
