they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
