Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?