for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
