Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Randomize
