the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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