Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
