My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
