i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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