sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Randomize
