remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
i can't believe i had my finger in that
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
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You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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