you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
