DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
