Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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