I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
