saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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