you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I'm sobbing to NWA
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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