for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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