The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
there is glitter all over my balls
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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