The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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