Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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