Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
