She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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