I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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