Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
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